(no subject)

Jul. 17th, 2017 09:09 am
sisyphus_rolling: (Default)
[personal profile] sisyphus_rolling
 I'm very not satisfied with who I am or the direction my life is going, but I feel stuck.  Like I've been thinking I want to quit my job but I know it's a bad idea mostly because everyone else (except Bryan) thinks it's a bad idea, but I'm so unhappy there now.  My dad says "one bad day is not a reason to quit your job" and he's totally right, but this isn't really about one bad day.  It's hard to explain without sounding whiny:  I hate the new computer system, I hate how this job so does not play to my strengths.  I hate some of my coworkers, sorry to say but it's true.  I just don't want to do it anymore.  

Basically, I want to change everything about myself.  I hate my hair, I hate how I look, I hate how I dress.  I hate how passive I am.  I just let people tell me what is right for me, and don't stand up for myself, ever.  I want to literally be someone else.  I want to be someone who wears suits and cool hats and wingtip shoes and vests and maybe neckties although I'd probably have to get clip-ons or something.  I want people to call me sir.  I want to be someone who moves through the world with confidence, who knows what they want and isn't afraid to ask for or demand it.  I want to be the person who runs my life, who does what they want and who is trusted to know what is good for them.

I am not that person.

(no subject)

Jul. 9th, 2017 08:56 pm
sisyphus_rolling: (madness eye)
[personal profile] sisyphus_rolling
 WHINE.  All we ever do here is whine.  Aren't you sick of it  yet?  We might write some private entries just for us in the near future, because we need to vent but we don't want to burden others with our fretting and whining and hand-wringing.

And therein lies a major problem.  I'm way too concerned with other people's thoughts and feels and feedback re: MY OWN LIFE.  We don't use our preferred pronouns (singular or plural) because we're afraid of inconveniencing or pissing off other people.  It is OUR life.  We don't need to appease anyone else, unless not doing so will endanger our own life or wellbeing.  This entry (and probably every entry for a very long time) will not have correct, or even consistent grammar.  There will be singular We, there will be him and her and us and We and THEY, and whatever else we feel comfortable with, whether it makes sense or not.  We feel like it's the only way to sort out what We want to be, what we are, what we want to present to the world.

We are me.  We are us.  I am us.  

Things We Need to Do to Be Happy

Jul. 9th, 2017 06:29 pm
sisyphus_rolling: (Default)
[personal profile] sisyphus_rolling
  1.  Change our pronouns, officially:  They, Them, Their
  2. Accept ourselves as some form of multiple
  3. Define our multiplicity
  4. Get our haircut in a way that doesn't make us uncomfortable.
  5. STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT OUR IDENTITY AND LANGUAGE!
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